I’m prefacing this with “this blog is UPG safe” and “my experiences are my own” and whatever else I need to say to make anyone reading know I’m 1) new at this 2) simply stating what I’ve experienced 3) not writing anything for anyone but myself and what my Gods request, so keep that all in mind. This is a “The Heathenfox Experienced Something Crazy Today” Post.
I was unfortunate enough not to be able to say hello to the two Deities I worship once in the new year until today. I’ve been quiet enough for the past few weeks, only focusing on trying to keep myself from sinking from life and praying to them on a (n almost, to be truthful) daily basis, and apart from the thrilling rush of energy that’s accompanied my praying (They care!) there hasn’t been anything to report.
Today was quite different, though. I knew I had to say hello to Them, I just didn’t have the time alone enough to be able to do so up to now. Today, They made it Very Clear I was to say hello by making me uncomfortably full of energy, the mark on my hand that Loki claimed burning. So, I prepared myself and I sat my ass down before the altar.
I have two prayers I say. Both I wrote, both are committed to memory and there’s one each for Loki and Angrboda. Usually when I recite these prayers, I say His first, because my relationship with Him, as fledgling as it is, is older than the relationship I have with Her. Typically, I’ll begin to say His prayer and my hand will begin to burn (it does this typically when He wants me to do something, He’s in the general vicinity or I’m saying my prayers, though that’s a new thing. It gets hotter depending on how close//how intense etc, and will flare up especially when He thinks I need to pay attention to something, like a song or a person or what have you), and it usually won’t stop until after I’ve also said Hers and had a few moments of introspection. Today, I started as always with His, but entire chunks just wouldn’t come out, and I ended up cutting almost everything that wasn’t a direct line to Him (I spend time hailing His dear ones, usually). When I pray at the altar (which is few and far between, because I’m rarely alone and it’s in the main room of my home) I usually light His candle on the first line of His prayer and so on with Hers. Today I could barely light His candle before I was pulled down.
It was all very interesting, and yes I’m getting somewhere, hold ON.
My godphone is notoriously terrible and very rarely do I experience an intense connection with anyone ever, let alone my Gods. I can count these experiences on one hand, and they’re usually not something I prepare for because they’re usually brought about solely by Them. Entirely. I’ve only ever left this realm three times, and I can never make it happen on my own – I always have to be brought along by a God. Today was one of those (still three, today was the third) times. I hardly had the prayer out before I started having difficulty focusing, my vision going blurry. I closed my eyes and sat and waited, and, sure enough, Loki (or Someone) pulled me out.
It’s such an odd experience, being pulled into a different state of being. I was aware of my hand burning like crazy and my cat meowing a lot, but other than that I wasn’t really HERE, I was elsewhere. This is exciting for me because 1) it never happens to me 2) it’s a new experience! And sometimes I can actually see things I’m supposed to! And this is usually when I hear Them the clearest!! That meant I was going to Get A Lesson, and that’s always exciting to me.
But for a while, I couldn’t hear or see anything. I only felt the sensation of being pulled further and further away from myself, until suddenly and finally I saw something very clearly: my own damn hand.
No, but there’s more.
I was looking at my hand while standing on a path next to a river, right before a gorgeous, luscious forest. It was dark, and tangled, and a little foreboding, but I wanted to run into it as fast as I could and see what there was to see. It’s daylight, which is new (the only other place I’ve ever gone has only ever been at night, so) and clear and cool outside – still clearly winter, but beautiful all the same. There wasn’t a lot of snow, but the grounds were wet and muddy, and the river had chunks of ice here and there, and the mountains nearby were all topped with white. The sunlight wasn’t but slightly warm, and there was a soft breeze. (Details! There were so many details! This is new and shiny and lovely and I could actually experience it!)
Anyways, my hand: there’s a scar on my hand where His mark would be, and above it is a glistening new wound, a cut exactly like the line He’s claimed and right above it. I stare at it for a moment, not really getting it, and then a much bigger hand lays itself over it and I look up to see Angrboda in all Her glory, smiling just a bit (ugh and She was glorious, and the details I could see were as luscious as the rest of the landscape, because I could actually SEE Her and what She was wearing and FACIAL EXPRESSIONS and it was all very exciting). She holds our hands together and shows me the blood on Her palm and a matching cut, though much more shallow and obviously meant to heal without much incident. She says something along the lines of “you are Mine now” (my godphone is terrible and some of what is said slips through the cracks; I know what She says when She says it, but sometimes it doesn’t stick in my mind after the fact and I’m left with only the general idea of what was said between us). I don’t protest, because I’m kind of just along for the ride here, and we exchange a few words (it’s basically a “yours?” “yes.” “but what about Loki?” “but what about Him?” “isn’t He still-” “yes.” “okay”).
Then I ask her a (n extremely embarrassing and not to be repeated here) question, and She laughs and grins a toothy grin.
“When you have grown claws and walked on My path for a time, perhaps. You must learn to walk and run on it, to follow Me, because I will not drag you behind. You are scared and hesitant, waiting at the doorway, and you need to take the steps in to find yourself anywhere.”
This I heard extraordinarily well, which usually happens in cases where They want me absolutely without a doubt to Know What Is Happening Here. She grinned, nodded and turned, and walked into the forest, and I didn’t follow Her (mostly because it was obvious we were done here), I just stared at the entrance with a bit of longing before turning back and going home.
When I pulled my Tarot cards afterwards (a good way to make sure what I heard was actually what I was meant to hear + reinforcing what was said or showing me how to get it done), I used a deck I haven’t used in ages, to my extreme shame: my first deck, the Winged Spirits deck. This was the deck I bought one day on a whim, when my hand started to burn out of nowhere (and I’d not yet had a Godly reason for it, beyond “I just feel like I should”). It was the deck I cut my teeth on, and has a lot of my energy wrapped up in it – it’s almost sentient. I’ve left it for so long that I have to reconnect that relationship, but when I pulled it out it was calming, reassuring, a warm blanket, and I knew it still remembered and loved me like I remembered and loved it. It gave me a solid reading – Fool, Nine of Cups, Eight of Pentacles, Six of Pentacles – and, unlike my other decks, I could tell immediately from the pictures exactly what it was trying to say to me.
All in all, it was an awesome experience and I’m excited to be on this new path. I’m going in that forest if it kills me, godsdamnit. I’m going to follow on Her path, and I’ll be damned if I haven’t gotten somewhere by the end of the year.